haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
