he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
