i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
