but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
