I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
