hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
