The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
