god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
