If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
