i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
