I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
