this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
