Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
