I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
