I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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