you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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