and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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