When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
This house was built for laser tag.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
