You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
