i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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