At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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