I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
