Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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