just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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