I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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