after a month anything with tits is on the radar
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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