i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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