Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
