I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
