my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
