dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Ketchup is God's man juice
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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