I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
