life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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