sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
