I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
