I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
