I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
