Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
