I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
