I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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