if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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