i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
