Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
