oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
