Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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