And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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