omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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