Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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