Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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