My room smells like vodka and shame
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
