so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
