So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
